What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 10:34
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
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One cannot live in the past .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I write beautiful poetry .
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
Why should you never do drugs? Will this story absolutely shock you?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Would this be the day?
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I don,t even have a pension.
Ive learnt so much.
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
All the time i was locked up.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why did i forgive my father ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She loved him until the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.